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oxymoron10786
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Name: Christina
Birthday: 1/7/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: sleeping, reading, pondering the meaning of life
Expertise: nothing or everything, depending on how you look at it
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/29/2003
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nazncy
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| despite having said all that i've been crying for the past few hours. it hurts so bad. part of me wants to break up. how much more could it hurt? i hate having a boyfriend who doesn't remember dates. i hate how when we spent the weekend together it was all we had so we felt we had to go at things faster than people usually do. i hate how he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me but can't spend more than an hour a day talking to me except on the weekends. i wonder how i got high expectations. hmm, those words are just a little suggestive of something more serious. i wonder if he told his roommate that he said those things. i don't have a problem with emily. i actually liked her when i met her. but i do feel a little uncomfortable that he spends time one on one with the girl he told me he couldn't live without and thought might be the one just a little over two months ago. i hate how he says he loves me but then i see my friends who haven't said those words yet and their boyfriends are doing romantic things for them, flowers, surprises, simple text messages for god's sake. i hate how i want him so bad that i end up doing stupid things even though i know we both need sleep. i hate how he really hurt me last night and this morning he acted like everything was ok. i understand he has friends who are girls but i don't understand why his best friends have to be girls. i don't understand why one of his best friends has to be his ex girlfriend and even thought they say its over i wish he would admit they're only human. feelings aren't things you can control. i hate feelings. i hate feeling this way about someone. i hate how he's a terrible boyfriend but i want him so bad anyway. i hate how he works all the time and when he has a free moment he invites emily to hang out with him instead of calling me. i hate how i make big deals out of everything. i don't wan to. i hate that i've cried more today than i have in the past year. i hate that all i've done today is go to church, write a paper, cry, go to awana, cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. if this is going to cause me so much pain i don't know if its worth it. even before this weekend i was telling hannah how he's always so busy and it seems like he never has any time for me and he doesn't go out of his way to do anything special for me. i hate how in two months i've gotten three text messages and a half a page letter. i hate how i'm crying so much and the only girl he's ever cried about it emily. i hate how i feel like i can't get close to any guys here because of him but he's already close to girls and so he can't just get unclose to them. i hate this feeling of despair. i hate it because i don't know what to do with it. i want to hit something or cry my eyes out or something. i want him to hurt because i'm hurting. i know that is selfish. hannah told me only i can decide if i can live with it. i hate how i can't live with it but how i'm too scared to try and live without it. | | |
| i forgot how much i enjoy writing to no one in particular. i forget how freeing it can be. i love kids. you can't fake things with them. you can't be sad with them. i went to awana so sad tonight. i almost broke down during the pledge to the awana flag...yes its quite sad. however, as the night wore on and my girls piled on my lap and showered me with constant hugs i began to forget about my problems. and instead i held them tight and marveled at how God has given them to me to influence and teach about him. i have never been so sure that i want to teach these kids as i have been over the past few months. even when i'm down and can't hold back the tears they're ready to shower me with hugs and make me forget about me. i walked into the door tonight and andrew, "my boyfrined" gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he loved me. i can see myself dealing with them each day. i can see it being more than just a job; it'll be a huge part of my life, something that will make the cares of my life go away, something that will cool my emotions and give me new comfort, energy, and persepective. there will be tought days there too; awana was crazy tonight, but overall those kids changed me. they gave me life and perspecitive again. kids are so real. they tell it like it is. i couldn't pretend to put on a smiley face for them. all i could do was hold them tight and tonight that was enough. i don't agree with mark about everything. i don't think that its completely a trust issue, but i can't deny that he's trying. so i want to trust him. what he said about her before hurt me but he is right. i can't hold it against him forever. i need to believe them even if its hard even if that's where satan can come in and trick me the most and cause me to doubt. and he's right. these cards suck. but is that reason to throw in the hand? i don't know. i know that its already hard watching all of my friends and their boyfriends. its funny how all my closeset friends have boyfriends. its one of those things we're always talking about, but i can't compare mark to them. i know that when i spend time with God my days are so much better. usually those are the days we don't fight. i know he needs those times too. i want him to have them; i really do. i wish we could have it all, but i was thinking about this myself the other day. i spend more time talking to mark than i do talking to God. that sucks. its terrible. it makes me focus on him or me rather than God. so when i see my frineds, when i see couples doing normal everyday things together i have to trust God. is talking less going to suck? probably. but if i look at it its not that much less; its just less late at night. which will be better...maybe i can get back down to 2 cups of coffee a day instead of 4-6. maybe. god knows. i know i can't do this on my own. only by his strength. | | |
| its a beautiful day today. i was driving to and from church this morning just marveling in the beauty of God's creation. The leaves are so many different shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. i can't do justice with words. The rain is falling in a light mist all around. Some might call this day dreary but its so comforting to me. i just want to stay inside all day and drink my tea and remember and reflect. its so beautiful! i just can't get over it. ever since i've started going to santa rosa bible on sunday mornings i can't help but be overwhelmed by the drive there. i was once terrified of all the twists and turns of riebli road and now i can't keep my eyes on the road as my eyes are constantly drawn to the miraculous beauty around me. Even in the rain there is such beauty. i think the same is true in life. as we were worshipping this morning i realized that i can come to god even when i feel as though i'm in the rain. i don't have to put on a fake smile and pull it all together before worshipping him. i can go just as i am and he loves me the same. and when i quit worrying about all my problems and my imperfections and when i focus on his love all the problems don't go away but i feel peaceful and restored within. i don't know how his plan is going to turn out. i know there will be dark days. but god is sovereign. if i look back and imagine how life could have been, i can see that. two years ago i would have been devastated to know that at almost twenty years old i'm still living at home and basically living a very similar life to the one i lived all throughout my life. but even in this year i've learned so much and God has blessed me with new things even though the routine seems so old. and yet its not like anything i ever would have expected. my best friends now are people i barely knew a few months or a year ago. now they are people i can share anything with, good or bad. even though i can't wait to go to a christian school someday i have found a group of christians at school that are so encouraging to me. even though i hear all the liberal mumbo jumbo ideas of christians in class i have a group i can go to, people i can go to and be reminded that God is still here despite the atmosphere and that he's put me here to be Christ in my world. the pastor said something really cool this morning. he said it isn't our responsibility to bring the world to christ, but to bring christ to the world. it was a good reminder. so even though its raining outside and in my life now there is beauty out there and in here. God has been so good to me and blessed me in ways that i never thought possible. i'm scared. its kind of silly. i'm scared of losing someone so i want things to be over. that makes no sense. i don't want things to be over. i just want him to be mine. but he's not mine. he's god's. and god could have him for me or he could have him for someone else and my worrying is not going to do anything to change God's plan. it really isn't that i don't trust him. i do. and i believe that he believes what he says. but there are some things that try as though i may i can't forget. i can let go but they're going to come up and i'm going to remember. and i'd think that if he cares as much as he said he does that he would take my feelings into consideration even if they aren't always rational. i know i use xanga only once or twice every few months but it feels good to get it all out and realize that ultimately god is sovereign and he's got it all under control and that he wants me just as i am right where i am. today i left my house key at home and didn't realize it until i got home from church and realized my family wasn't home and i had no way to get inside. i totally panicked. then i realized that i didn't need to worry. we had planned this out and i only had to go get the spare key. in life i panic. but i don't need to because God already has everything planned out. He's the key.On my own i can't get in the door, with him i can come home to a place where i'm always loved and welcome. | | |
| its funny. when you dream about something for so long you think that it'll be perfect when it actually happens. well, let me just say that life is far from perfect right now. after all its almost two in the morning and i need to wake up early for church tomorrow and i need to be awake tomorrow afternoon so i can finish the paper that i didn't finish today. but i'm still awake and talking to mark on im of all things because cingular's broken and his phone isn't working. we really need to go to bed. but i'm so upset right now. he thinks that i can just foret that conversation, that night when i'd finally admitted to myself that maybe our friendship wasn't all there was to our relationship and then he poured out his heart about how he couldn't live without another girl. i really shouldn't have believed him when only a week later he said that was over. but i wanted to so bad. i still want to. he signed off aim now. i'm sure he's mad at me. i can't help getting upset when he brings her up. even if he says they can still be friends i don't know if they can. i don't know if those kinds of feelings ever go away. i think its a choice. and he's not making the choice to stay away. and i think the only thing that will happen is that those feelings will come back. and that scares me to death. because i know that if things don't work out with this i'll not only lose a great guy, i'll lose my best friend. | | |
| i feel like someone has taken my life, stuffed it in a jar, and shaken it up. my tummy feels funny and my i want my head to stop thinking about it but it won't. i wonder if God is sitting up in heaven laughing at us. i know that my doubt is sin. i know that he's holding my life tight in his grasp, not shaking it up. but i'm feeling so flustered and so afraid that the jar will get shaken so hard it'll end up broken on the ground. | | |
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